By Melissa Roske
There are people out there who are… oh, how can I diplomatically put this?… ready, willing and able to drive the sanest, most patient person on Planet Earth absolutely and positively NUTS.
Whether it’s your annoying Aunt Ethel (“When I was a girl I knew the value of a dollar!”); your curmudgeon of a boss (“I said I needed that report YESTERDAY, damn it!”), or your well-meaning but clearly misguided sister (“Shouldn’t you try bangs? You can’t see the wrinkles that way…”), the result is the same: Their insensitive, unfair or poorly chosen words make you feel like yesterday’s dinner — rotten.
Don’t despair. With the following tips and tricks from my trusty coach’s toolkit, you’ll be able to avoid allowing difficult people get the best of you. They don’t deserve it!
–> 1. In one ear and out the other.
Picture this: You’re having lunch with your mother, who happens to know that you’ve been on WeightWatchers for the last several months. She sees you reaching for the breadbasket. Again. She shakes her head, gives you one of her best “Do you really need that extra dinner roll, dear?” looks, and opens her mouth to let you have it (and I don’t mean the roll!).
What to do: Instead of reverting to behavior fitting of that of a sullen teenager, try this visualization technique: Imagine a water pitcher filled to the brim with your mother’s well meaning but hurtful words. See the words being poured from the pitcher into one of your ears and out the other one. Watch the words as they drip languidly to the ground, forming a large, disorganized, and useless puddle.
Now, doesn’t that feel good?
The main benefit: Once you’re able to master the “I’m Not Listening; I’m Not Listening!” technique, you’ll see that words are only words. They don’t have power or control over us – unless we allow them to.
–> 2. Avoid confrontation.
Picture this: Your bossy Cousin Rona is over for dinner at your house and volunteers to help you clean up after the meal. Mid-clean-up, she notices that you’re not rinsing the plates thoroughly before loading them into the dishwasher. You’re also tossing out “perfectly good leftovers” and not using enough Fantastik on the countertops. Your worst crime of all? Improperly sealed Tupperware lids. She continues to comment on your shortcomings, over, and over, and over, and over…
What to do: Tell Cousin Rona, kindly but firmly, that while you’re grateful for and appreciative of her help, this is the way you’re used to scraping your plates, cleaning your countertops, tossing food scraps and sealing Tupperware. If she still refuses to put a sock in it, offer to let her load the dishwasher, scrape the plates and seal the Tupperware. Now you can go into the family room and put your feet up. Ahhh… that’s better!
The main benefit: Nipping annoying, bossy behavior in the bud not only makes you feel better, it helps you to show the world who’s really the queen of your castle (or kitchen, as the case may be) – YOU.
–> 3. Use distraction.
Picture this: Your son’s Bar Mitzvah is quickly approaching and your mother-in-law has made it her life’s work to scrutinize and question each and every detail of the upcoming event, from the color of the tablecloths to the inscription on the kippahs. You’re at your wits’ end, and are having some pretty intense revenge fantasies…
What to do: Instead of reading your mother-in-law the riot act, which will only hurt her feelings, bruise her ego and make your life worse than it already is, give her several minor but necessary tasks to perform: greeting guests at the reception; helping to check coats; mingling during cocktail hour. She’ll be thrilled that you’ve asked for her help, and you’ll be thrilled that she’s out of your hair. Problem solved!
The main benefit: Well meaning relatives can get under your skin, but why be cruel when it’s easier to be kind?
–> 4. Don’t take it personally.
Picture this: Your gossipy next-door neighbor sidles up to you and informs you that she’s recently seen your teenage son in town, trying to buy liquor with a fake ID. Despite the fact that you’re furious, you feel as if your son’s juvenile-delinquent behavior is none of your neighbor’s business.
What to do: Instead of telling your neighbor where to stick it, remember: many hard-to-get-along with folks aren’t aware of the pain and emotional havoc their words and actions wreak. Like a bull in a china shop, these Nosy Nellies are blithely unaware of the damage they cause.
Your best course of action in this situation is to politely thank your neighbor for her concern, and walk away. If you act as if you care, you’re only adding fuel to her already stoked fire. Nothing annoys a gossip more than disinterest. Nothing.
The main benefit: The biggest mistake made when dealing with a difficult or gossipy person is to personalize the experience. Take yourself out of it, and keep in that way. You’ve got better things to do with your time than to fritter it away with idle or malicious gossip.
–> 5. Reject comparisons.
Picture this: Your friend Barbara’s favorite pastime is bragging about her “amazing” daughter, Zoe. Not only does Zoe have a genius IQ, she’s captain of her school’s volleyball team, plays competitive tennis, is an accomplished violinist, and has just received a full scholarship to Harvard. Your daughter, on the other hand, a lovely but average teenager, gives you sass and yanks your chain. You hate to make resentment-filled comparisons, but it’s so hard not to.
What to do: Consider the fact that Barbara is waxing poetic about her offspring for a reason. Maybe your friend feels as if she’s never reached her potential and is thus living vicariously through her daughter. Or maybe Barb is bragging in order to cover up the truth: That her beloved Zoe is actually failing Spanish, contemplating yet another body piercing, and has a new boyfriend named Spike, whose prison sentence is almost up. Hey, you never know…
The main benefit: Giving people the benefit of the doubt serves a greater purpose than making you appear holier-than-thou. It shows that appearances can be deceiving, and what you see is not necessary not what you get. Not by a long shot.
Melissa Roske, ACC, president of Wheels in Motion Coaching ( http://www.WheelsinMotionCoaching.com ), is a New York University Certified Life and Personal Coach, committed to helping her clients to realize their potential and to successfully attain both their personal and career-related goals. Melissa, a member of the International Coach Federation, is also an internationally published author, advice columnist and relationships advisor.
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